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Talk:If You Could Only See/@comment-3575890-20141108092808
Okay, so, where to begin honestly. The bad news is that I lost my job. Chock it up to an occasionally emotionally abusive boss (and trust me when I say, I am not hard to work with. I will put 100 percent into being a team player, but three people have went to head office complaining about my boss in ONE DAY so if that doesn't give you an idea of how difficult she is to work for...) coupled with way too many miscommunications between us. Anyways, that's the shitty thing. But in the end, that job was coming to the point of where it was giving me anxiety and making me feel worthless and incompetent despite that people kept telling me I was doing an amazing job including my boss - one fuck up though, and there'd be hell to pay and that was where all the problems were. My boss never wanted to train me because she didn't have the time and I was left to my devices with no instruction, so in the end I didn't make the cut. What good did come out of this though is that I met a really great guy. I've told you all about my coworker before, but that was before I realized how I felt about him. After a month of him courting me like a total sweetheart and me not having any clue (in hindsight, only NOW do I realize he's been courting me this whole time), it took me a good month to come to this realization, but I really like this guy. I am by no means a player, but I have serial dated many guys in these last few years and every one of them has turned out to be a disappointment. I've had a hard time meeting a good guy. This guy is different. For one, he's nothing like the kind of guys I typically go for and when I first met him, I'll admit that I didn't give him a second glance. He wasn't initially my type. That all had changed after getting to know him. I didn't yet realize how I felt, however, until a month of seeing him every day. A month of him going out of his way to make me feel welcome, him bringing me coffee for nothing in return, him stopping by to keep me company in my lonely, isolated work space, him listening to me vent about my day, him taking me out for drinks when I had a rough day at work, him letting me sit in his car while I wait for my ride so I don't catch a cold, him making me genuinely laugh and smile even at my lowest point. This guy is amazing and I am kicking myself I didn't see it sooner. The other night, he and I had some drinks together and get a load of this; as I sat on the sofa, he sat in a little chair in the corner across from me because I can only assume he didn't want me to feel that my personal space was being invaded. He chose to sit in an uncomfortable chair in the corner as opposed to sitting on the couch with me where surely he would have had plenty of openings to make advances on me because he wanted me to be comfortable. He and I have this thing where he likes to make fun of my supposed excessive vocabulary by claiming he needs an encyclopedia to have a conversation with me and accuses me of doubling as his therapist when I bring psychiatric terms into our convos lol. He and I also argue a lot, but it's not negative or hostile. We both enjoy the banter; it's a part of our dynamic, which is another reason I really like him. He challenges me and pushes my buttons, but doesn't genuinely anger me and in a relationship, I need to be mentally stimulated. We supposedly have great chemistry because a family member of his told us we would be a cute couple, which I'm sure you can imagine induced an incredibly awkward pause from the both of us in that moment. You could probably see the wheels in my head turning in that moment as I thought, "yeah, maybe we would" while he deflected it with humor. Anyways, we ended up hitting up a few places and he got really drunk later in the night. I did too, but not nearly to the same degree because it was a work night and I am responsible. (Him, not so much haha) When he called a cab for us,I jokingly suggested that he could sleep on my porch if he got locked out, to which he basically implied he would rather sleep in my bed. Up until then I had never been sure of whether he saw me as a friend or something more, but that pretty much confirmed to me that he was interested. As someone who has grown accustomed to men only ever wanting one thing though based on a myriad of horrible experiences, I took it to mean nothing other than that he was drunk and possibly wanted a lay. I was actually even kind of hurt by that prospect, but he was drunk and I shrugged it off. So as we were walking to the cab I held his hand partly to keep him from falling over, but also partly because I simply wanted to for a reason I couldn't yet make sense of. In the cab, I subconsciously laid my head on his shoulder and that must have been what gave him the courage to make his move because he pulled me to him and attempted to kiss me, and I full on fucking panicked. Straight up. When I like a guy, my first instinct is to push them far away. Call it a defense mechanism based on how my last serious relationship turned out or whatever, but it's just what I do, and that was when I knew I liked him. My panic meant I was afraid to put my heart on the line, and I would not have reacted like that with a guy I did not care about. So I turned my head and pointed out that he was too drunk and I didn't know what to take from this. This was when he poured his heart out to me. He told me that while yes he was drunk, it didn't change how he felt, he told me he really liked me and had been wanting to ask me out for a long time, but never had the nerve until now, but would hold off until he's sober if I had my doubts about his sincerity based on his drunken state, he told me he thought I was amazing and met his standards in every way, he told me that he thinks that he and I would be good together, and when I told him I might say yes if he asked me while SOBER (and at this point, I really did mean it), he leaned over and gave me the sweetest, most innocent peck on the lips. Even while completely plastered and clearly into me, he respected my boundaries and never pushed for more than I was willing to give. He kissed me a total of three times in the space of that moment. One on my cheek, and the other two never anything more than a gentle close-mouthed peck on my lips. And this was enough for him to be over the moon over. It was the cutest thing ever. As we arrived at his place, he gave the cab driver extra pay to cover my fare telling the driver "make sure the lady gets home safely" and before I could even protest, he was gone. You know the last guy I shared a cab with did? Stuck me with HIS cab fare when I didn't agree to go into his house with him. For me, this kind of consideration is huge and that's all I've been seeing from this guy from the day I've met him. He has always been considerate of me and mindful of my boundaries. Anyways, the next day I assumed he would ask me out like he told me he planned to, but he ended up avoiding me like the plague instead for reasons I still don't know; my only guess is he was feeling embarrassed about the events from the previous night. It was my last day and there was no way in hell I was going to let this be how we ended things though so I actively sought him out. When I told him it was my last day he looked so sad and as he hugged me twice and told me he would miss me with this saddest most adorable puppy-like expression it dawned on me that I didn't want this to be the last time we ever saw each other and I was hoping like hell he would ask me out, but that moment never came and I was thoroughly disappointed. Before I knew it, he was gone and I was left to collect my thoughts and sort out my feelings. Now when I want something I go for it and once I realized I wanted him, this was no exception. I texted him and made it clear I wanted to keep seeing him and he was incredibly happy. He opened up to me completely. Most adorably, he told me when I held his hand the other night he hadn't been so happy in such a long time. That's right, simply holding my hand put this guy over the moon. He also apologized for trying to kiss me the other night despite that he never once forced himself on me. That was enough for me. I told him I like him too and now we have a date set up for next week. Wow, I went into a lot more detail than I planned to. I guess this goes to show how much I like this guy, lol.